Tonight, as my 3-year-old daughter was doing the pee-pee dance, I rushed to help her onto the toilet. Smiling up at me, she said, “woo mom, that was a lot of work. Thanks, you’re the best mom, and you’re the prettiest girl ever made.” I cried a little. To her, I am the prettiest girl ever made. In my eyes…not so much!

I don’t think that I’m a hideous creature that should hide away in a dark, dank cave. But I would never consider myself pretty. And let’s not even mention my body image issues.

This little conversation with my darling daughter got me thinking. How does she define pretty? Does she factor in kind eyes, a friendly smile, a big heart? Whatever it is that makes up her definition of pretty, I hope it is never corrupted by her peers, the media, or worse….some boy. What will happen when she finally realizes that her views don’t exactly mesh with society’s? Will she be strong enough to hold tight to her convictions? Will she no longer see me as the prettiest girl ever made? I have all intentions of becoming healthier and more fit by then. Not to be “pretty,” but to be a positive influence in my children’s lives. So I can be around to watch them become the most amazing adults, adults who will change the world. So, my transformation is happening, slowly, but happening none the less. I have not been a very responsible eater the past few weeks, and I’m still struggling to get up an hour earlier to fit in a workout, but I know it will happen.

My heart aches when I think of my baby girl and my son having to grow up in a world so obsessed with looks. I worry daily that I passed along PCOS to my daughter, or I passed along some aspects of it to my son. Please don’t think that I don’t worry about the pressures my son will have to face, because I worry plenty. But, I have lived my life as a girl with PCOS and its appearance altering symptoms, and I know just how difficult it can be. I also know women who are considered beautiful by society’s standards and have suffered just as much as “plain” or even “ugly” women. Our culture is mean. If it were a character it would be this bitch! (Sara Michelle Gellar,Cruel Intentions)

I know that to be able to empower my daughter (and son) I need to empower myself. I am learning that my worth is not tied to my weight, or my hair! I’m learning to not hate my body so much. I’m learning how to transform it instead. I’m learning how to accept my diagnosis, learn as much as I can about it, and beat it. I’m learning to be strong for my daughter. As she grows, I will be teaching and living the following ideals, so that my daughter and my son will truly understand what makes a woman “pretty” AWESOME!

I’m losing my hair.  I’m really losing my hair.  Lots of women say they’re losing their hair when they see extra strands in the shower or on their pillow.  My endocrinologist confirmed it for me.  My hair is falling out. Fuck you PCOS!! First you convince my pancreas to make extra insulin that my body doesn’t need, blessing me with a weight problem, then you screw with my menstrual cycle, then you rob me of my fertility and make me feel broken inside, then you decide to present me with growing/rupturing cysts each month that leave me gasping at times, then you deliver excess testosterone, causing hair to sprout up where it’s not supposed to, and now the coup de gras….you’re taking my hair.

I love my hair.  It was the only thing that ever made me feel beautiful.  I used my hair to hide behind when my weight continued to rise.  People would ask me what color dye my hairdresser used, and would scoff in jealousy when I told them it was au naturale.

Now it’s thinning and falling out.  My doc suggested Rogain for women.  After doing some research, I’m all set (for now, we’ll see how desperate I get.) I did find a lot of helpful sites written by women with PCOS.  I am currently using a scalp treatment consisting of pure aloe vera gel, rosemary oil, and lavender oil.  It makes my hair feel amazing, but I smell like a freaking garden. I’m also taking biotin, retress, and a hair/skin/nail supplement. I have seen less hair falling out.  I’m not sure if I’m seeing any regrowth,but I’m hopeful.  I refuse to give up on myself.  I am going to take my body and my health back.  I’m tired of PCOS running the show.

It wouldn’t be a blog of mine without a period from hell reference…..

Am I right Ladies?

Mother Nature, you Bitch!

Hi, I once again have allowed fatigue and life to get in the way of my writing.  I didn’t write about the Boston Marathon Bombings.  There were plenty of news stories, blog posts, Facebook updates, tweets, and articles written.  Here’s what I have to say (the short and sweet version.)

I’m happy they caught the cowards.  I’m more than proud to be a Bostonian. I’m in awe of how the people from Boston and around the globe  validated that there are far more good people in the world than there are bad. I don’t care where the cowards came from, who their parents are, where they went to school, or how nice they were. I’d like to never hear their names again, or see their faces again.  I would like for all Bostonians to somehow always feel the sense of unity always display the courage, always offer the support, and always hold the pride that we have all experienced the last few weeks.

“A heartbreak isn’t always as loud as a bomb exploding.  Sometimes it could be as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful thing is… nobody hears it except you.”

This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week.

Do you know the true facts about infertility? Chances are unless you’ve been affected by it yourself, you probably don’t. Even if you are affected, you may feel alone, depressed, or some how at fault for your condition when you are absolutely not to blame. Here are some basic data and statistics about infertility that you should be aware of (taken from Discovery Health and elsewhere):

• 1
  In America alone, infertility affects over 6 million women and their partners – that’s about 10 percent of the reproductive age population. One in six couples will encounter difficulty getting pregnant and experienceinfertility to some extent.
• 2
  Infertility is not always “the woman’s fault” – indeed, infertility affects male and female reproductive systems nearly equally. In approximately 30% of all infertility cases, there are both male and female factors causing difficulty in achieving successful pregnancy.
• 3
  In approximately 30% of cases, the causes will remain “unexplained infertility” despite full medical work-ups and extensive diagnostic testing. This only points out the complicated nature and many causes of infertility, and how even today medical science cannot provide all of the answers.
• 4
  There is no such thing as a “miracle cure for infertility”, despite thousands of websites and unscrupulous individuals promising such. The causes and reasons for infertility are far too numerous and different to all be “solved” by one single approach or drug product.
• 5
  Infertility is a disease. Albeit it took until 2009 for the World Health Organization to officially define infertility as a disease. This was an important milestone in recognizing the serious medical nature of infertility and helping to bring it more recognition and hopefully governmental and scientific support.
• 6
  Infertility is a disability. In 1998, the U.S. Supreme court held that infertility is a disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). However, most insurers in the United States still provide no coverage – or only extremely limited coverage – for medical treatment related to infertility. Many of those affected with infertility have to struggle in the workplace not just to afford expensive IF treatments but to receive fair treatment and understanding if they must take time off for procedures, testing, or rest during a difficult pregnancy.

Chances are you know someone who has suffered with infertility. You do, if you know me personally. I am not going to sit here and write my own story again.  You can scroll through my archives and find it.  I will leave you with some very powerful and thought provoking quotes.