Have you ever just felt like, “Fuck it. Just fuck it all!” I found myself sinking in the Swamp of Sadness this past Sunday. Yup there I am, Artax the horse, just giving up!

I do not know what triggered it, but my mind went into overdrive and I started to analyze every aspect of my life. I realized that I’m just not a naturally happy person. Of course, the root of all of this unhappiness is money or lack of money, and my feelings towards my own body. I grew up thinking that worrying was a normal way of life. I truly do not know how to not worry. Every moment of the day, my brain is recycling problems, things that need to be fixed, bills that need to be paid, plans that need to be planned!!! It’s pure hell in that brain of mine.

Years ago at a friend of the family’s wedding, my father looked at me with loving eyes, and very sweetly and sincerely said, “Your mother and I have been talking and we think you should start smoking pot.” Uh, OK, thanks Mom and Dad.

Don’t misunderstand, I am happy some of the time. When I smile, laugh, or giggle, it’s real. It’s just that that bitch stress is always there trying to ruin everything. I’d like to think that if I woke up tomorrow wealthy and skinny, my life would be so much better and all the worrying and stress would be gone. I don’t think that would happen.

A) I’m not related to anyone stinking rich that may kick the bucket and leave me tons of cash, nor do I play the lottery on a regular basis.

B) Unless God himself comes down and gives me a “Clueless Makeover” times 10, the skinny thing ain’t happening overnight.

C) My brain is hard-wired to worry.

So, after some encouraging words from a friend, and a heart-to-heart with my husband, (who reiterated that I am the only one who can make myself happy) I decided it was time to choose to be happy. I also realized that choosing to be happy doesn’t mean that I need to be happy all of the time. It’s OK to worry about our financial future, it’s not OK to agonize over every bill, write and re-write monthly budgets, or cry. It’s OK to get a little irritated by my two children who think it’s Armageddon if I’m not in their line of sight. It’s not OK to go all Mommy Dearest on their cute little asses, or cry. It’s OK to want to better myself, get healthy, and get my MILF on. It’s not OK to loathe my body, allow myself to slip into a massive depression, become so stressed that I’m mean to everyone who crosses my path, or cry. I have a lot to work on! And a lot less crying to do!

On a happier note, 1 more pound gone this week!

Have a stress-free day!

I focused on getting moving today.  I had all intentions of getting up and exercising to a cardio kickboxing segment on demand.  My son and I watched a little of it last night and he was very excited to join me in the AM. (I was a Tae Bo pro!!) However, my daughter had other plans.  She woke up about the same time we did, and it would have been almost impossible for all 3 of us to kick-box in my not-so-spacious living room.

We had breakfast and I got the kids dressed.  You should have seen the startled looks on their little faces. Our lazy summer routine has been more like: crawl out of bed, go downstairs, play and watch “backpack” (Dora the Explorer) and maybe an episode of Ninjago, decide what’s for breakfast, eat breakfast, decide what to do (usually swim in the pool), then go swimming.  So you could imagine their surprise when I came down the stairs dressed and holding their clothes.  I filled the water bottles, my son grabbed his scooter and helmet, and we were off.  We walked to the local college campus to hunt giant bullfrogs, feed frenzied fish, and search for lazy turtles sunning themselves on rocks.

The scooter didn’t last long.  The helmet came off, I lugged the scooter and my son set off jogging. (I was so proud of him.  He ran the entire way!)  My darling, very independent daughter, who usually fights me like there’s no tomorrow about sitting in the carriage, was happy to be pushed around while she shouted out the name of every object she saw! After our walk,we made some lunch and headed to the back yard for some swimming.  Needless to say, there was not one single moan or groan about going to bed tonight.

Today was a good day!

Yesterday, I spent some time with an old friend, a friend I only get to see every 2 years.  I am in awe of her- her courage, her strength, her independence.  Just being around her is inspirational. She has a way of opening your eyes, mind and heart, and she always makes me feel better about myself.

“Surround yourself with only people who raise you higher.”

I realized that not only do I want to surround myself with people who inspire, support, and challenge me, but I want to be that person to others, especially my children.  When I started this blog, it was about overhauling me, all of me.  I want to be a better person.  I want to be a better role model for my children.  I want to inspire.

I know that this picture has been making the rounds on Facebook and Pinterest, but my friend reminded me that no matter what I do to transform my body, my body has been forever changed and I should be proud of it.

Inspire Someone Today!

This is a warning to my two very supportive brothers, and possibly my cousin Bernie (as far as I know, they are the only males that read this, except for my husband who lives with me and will not be offended by the mention of menstruation,) I am about to detail what my body goes through on a monthly basis.  You may want to skip this one!

Most women get their period every month.  Thanks to a diabetic medication (I do not have diabetes.  I actually produce too much insulin) I also usually get a monthly visit. My cycles usually average 30-35 days.  When they go longer, my periods are like a category 4 instead of the usual category 2. Imagine violently shaking a 2 liter of coke, that is what I feel like inside.  Bloating is a gross understatement, cramps don’t begin to explain what I’m feeling, and my ovaries literally build up enough pressure that they explode, (I’ll get back to this in a minute.) The worst part of all of this is the PMS. Imagine your typical woman suffering with PMS, then multiply that by let’s say 30! I can feel my patience disappear and frustration increase. I know that I’m going to snap at my kids and take my husband’s head off, but I cannot stop myself.  I hate how I feel after I’ve been a complete bitch and I still cannot stop.  This month has been very bad. In fact, I very much resemble this:

Getting back to the severe ovarian pain that I have been experiencing for the past two years.  (This doesn’t happen every cycle.  I’d say 3 out 4 cycles.) Here’s some background info.  (Again, probably TMI for some.)

The ovaries, where a woman’s eggs are produced, have tiny fluid-filled sacs called follicles or cysts. As the egg grows, the follicle builds up fluid. When the egg matures, the follicle breaks open, the egg is released, and the egg travels through the fallopian tube to the uterus (womb) for fertilization. This is called ovulation.

In women with PCOS, the ovary doesn’t make all of the hormones it needs for an egg to fully mature. The follicles may start to grow and build up fluid but ovulation does not occur. Instead, some follicles may remain as cysts. For these reasons, ovulation does not occur and the hormone progesterone is not made. Without progesterone, a woman’s menstrual cycle is irregular or absent. Plus, the ovaries make male hormones, which also prevent ovulation.

Normal ovary and polycystic ovary

AND REMEMBER…..

(This post has an R rating- inappropriate adult language.)

I have returned from a fun, somewhat relaxing vacation to:

a broken, algae filled pool (and of course it’s going to be hotter than hell this week!)

a working, but not working correctly, dryer

a stack of bills

an order form for my son’s school uniforms (really?!?! normal clothes do not cost this much)

a mouse head, after my serial killer cats, Micky and Mallory decapitated it

and the best of all….my husband’s truck is back in the shop looking at a bill of $1000 or more.  Mind you, we just paid $500 to service it and fix a few small things before we left.

Now, we all know that my hormones are a jumbled mess thanks to the PCOS.  I am a walking ball of stress most days.  And, I don’t handle stress all that well. I get angry, I cry, I yell!  (Weird side notes, this does not happen to me at work.  I have always been able to handle my shit no matter what job I was doing, even when I was a social worker in hell. I am also pretty adept at dealing with other people’s’ stress.)

So I think I may have this tattooed on me somewhere or at least make up a t-shirt, as this is what you will all be hearing from here on out. I apologize in advance for my profound rudeness.

I’m just tired of hearing everyone say, “Oh it will work out, It will get better…” Please don’t get me wrong.  I fully know that we are much better off than others.  God has blessed me with an amazing family and friends, a nice home, and a job.  We’re all healthy for the most part, and trying to get healthier! I do not take any aspect of my life for granted.  It’s just that little annoyances that cost a shitload of money add up and when there’s just not enough money coming in, one tends to stress out and break every once in a while.  I’m currently breaking, so please disregard this rant.

Whew….I’m so glad that’s out of my system.

I’m back to tracking my food, drinking oceans of water, and peeing like there’s no tomorrow. I have also added some herbal supplements to help counteract some of the PCOS symptoms.  I am determined to feel better about myself. I’m determined to try to let things out of my control go. I’m determined to manage our finances in a smarter manner, and I need to believe that we will get out of the hole we put ourselves in. Perhaps this should be my new motto:

Just breathe……………

Oh, I almost forgot. Last night I made the roasted chick peas that are mentioned in my favorite recipe section.  They were a huge hit! The kids and the hubby loved them. If you Google them, there are a ton of different spices you can use.

Today is July 4th…………………………………………….

Nuff said!

Happy 4th everyone!

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I pray that my son grows to be a hard-working, compassionate, giving, and loving man like you.  I miss you Gramps.

8 years ago today, was my wedding day. It was a warm day in Charlestown, with a nice sea breeze.  We were surrounded by family and friends.  I was so happy and excited to start my new life and of course beyond excited to honeymoon on Santorini, Greece.  And I looked liked this:

I was by no means “skinny,” but I was happy with myself.  It was the first time, in a long time, that I had felt comfortable in my own body. I’d like to look like this woman again. I had dieted and worked out and lost a lot of weight.  Of course, I would have loved to have lost more, but I was thrilled with myself. Over the last 8 years, 2 children, 2 c-sections, and the contentment of being a wife and mommy, the weight crept back. Sneaky bitch!

OK, enough reminiscing.

I spent a good portion of yesterday and the day before in the pool with the kids.  My son can swim all on his own now, and my daughter, though afraid of “charks” sometimes, is also quite independent in the water.  I love that they love the water and it sure tires them out.  Come bed time, there is very little complaining these days.  Speaking of water, does your body every get used to consuming so much of it?

I think I’m drinking anywhere from 2-4 liters per day.  I have to tell you, it does make me feel fuller. I’m not sure what it’s doing for my metabolism, as I’m pretty sure my metabolism is freaking broken.  As for my skin, I’m in the middle of a break-out, due to increased sunblock.  My pee on the other hand is non-stop and completely color-less. The problem is, I PEE ALL OF THE TIME!!! I’m not sleeping thanks to my very overactive bladder.  I didn’t even pee this much when I was pregnant. I pee a little when I sneeze sometimes.  It’s horrible.  I’m assuming that your body does adjust.   I know people drink more water than I do every day and I doubt they would continue to do so if all of these problems persist.  So, I’ll carry on and hopefully not drown!   I’ve increased my activity level, made some smarter food choices, and of course ingested the daily recommended amount of H2O, and I’m feeling pretty good.

As for  bitchy weight, she (I’d like to be politically correct, but we all know women can be much bigger bitches than men, so I’m leaning towards weight being a she) can suck it! I’m a much bigger bitch.  Just ask my husband of 8 years!

Happy Anniversary Hubby!

Yup, today was weigh in day. I gained a pound!! Good Lord, I’m hungry as shit and I gained a pound. WW online was very supportive displaying a message that went something like this; “looks like you gained a little weight, no worries, just review your last week and see where changes can be made. Weight fluctuation is a normal occurrence in the weight loss process.” So nice. SCREW YOU! Review my week, I just want to throw the scale and my stupid “tracker” app out the freaking window.

Woo-Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………………………………

I’m OK now. I took their advice and reviewed my week. I see 2 problems. One, I seriously need to get my fat ass moving, a lot! I just hate the heat and I hate exercise. I don’t hate the heat like normal chubbettes hate the heat. I’m talking this is a long-standing hatred of mine. When I was little, the heat made me cranky and sleepy. As I got older, the heat made me more cranky, more sleepy, and physically sick. So you see, dizziness, nausea, and more diarrhea than I already have to deal with, is just not motivational. I know that I just have to suck it up, but I’m not there yet.

;

This morning, I checked out the workouts on Demand, looks like the kids and I will be showing off our mad dance moves while doing cardio jam blast! Oh yes, the kids will be joining me, since well they’re always up my ass. It will be difficult to exercise with children up my ass, but what can you do? I’m not a stay at home mom, so when I am home, they fight to see who can literally get under my skin. My husband always jokes, “It’s like they want to get back up in there (my womb)!” I had difficulty conceiving my babies, but I have a freaking penthouse suite for a womb. Neither of my children wanted to vacate it. (I’ll save my all too graphic delivery stories for another day.)

Oh, join a gym you say. I’ll gladly accept donations for the Send Colleen to Gym Fund. As with most Americans these days, funds are tight and are only going to get tighter thanks to that before mentioned rainforest in my bedroom!

;

I digress. Problem #2- WW allows you to eat whatever you want as long as it falls within your point allotment. Us PCOS’ers cannot handle carbs, especially sugars. So eating all the fruits I want= not good. Indulging in a french fry here and there= really not good. I need to learn to balance carbs with proteins while staying in my point range. No one said it would be easy.

Today is a good friend’s wedding….outside in the 94ish degree weather, with the heat index around 100. Dear God, please don’t let my kids be miserable and please don’t let me sweat through my white linen pants. Remember my dress dilemma? What I wouldn’t give to be able to fit into a cute little sundress, so what little breeze there may be could at least waft up and cool down my “under carriage.” Alas, this wedding attendee will be sweating her substantial tush off in pants. And remember………………

Actually, who the fuck cares! It’s hot, let it all hang out…well maybe not all.

Stay cool!<;/