I went through a somewhat dark time in my life, when I cried…a lot. And the time lasted YEARS. I was not miserable all of the time. However, I cried when I was angry. I cried when I was sad. I cried when I was worried. I even cried when I was happy. I couldn’t help it. I am not really sure when crying became my one and only coping mechanism. Here I was, instructing students diagnosed with emotional/behavioral disorders on how to express themselves appropriately, positively, and effectively, and I was secretly an emotional mess. Sure, we can once again blame PCOS for fucking with my hormone levels, but really….I cannot point all my fingers at that wretched disease. I too was to blame.

Something happened a few months ago. I really cannot figure out what exactly IT was, but something changed. I still worry. I still get angry. I still get sad. My kids try my patience on a minutely basis. My husband still procrastinates like there’s no tomorrow. My job is still ridiculous. I am still in debt and will be for the foreseeable future. My family continues to have their issues. My house continues to fall apart. But I stopped crying. In fact, up until two nights ago, I couldn’t cry. I think I was literally all cried out! Not-so-pleasant things have occurred in the past few months, and no tears, not a one. This past week, I had yet another cyst grow until it ruptured. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sit, I certainly couldn’t physically escort a student, but I did all of those things and not one tear fell from my eyes. Until two nights ago.

We were at Target and my son wanted another Spider-Man watch. We said no..no…..no again……and NO! He would not let up. We arrived at the check-out and he was still trying to reason with us. Then, he went all kinds of crazy. He yelled. He stomped his feet. He crossed his little arms and said, “I’m getting the watch.” I had already taken the watch and left it at the end of another checkout line. I took his hand and proceeded to pull him a little. He dug his heels in and grabbed the end of the conveyor belt thing. I proceeded to try to remove him. He wouldn’t let go. That’s when I lost it. I started laughing at him. His confused little face was so adorable. He said, “Ma, why are you laughing at me?” I turned my back to the 4 people now looking at me in complete disbelief and looked at my husband. I calmly stated, “I’m about to put my own child into a restraint, and carry him out of Target.” My husband finished paying and left me with my daughter, while he went to my son. I carried my daughter to the car and heard her say, “Aww, poor Jake.”

He cried the entire way home. I said horrible things about embarrassing me, and being ungrateful. He calmed down after we got home. I felt like complete shit. We both apologized and hugged. I left and said I was going for a ride. I never left the driveway. I sat and cried. It was the first good cry I had had in a long time. I think I needed it.I don’t think it’s the beginning of me crying a river again, but it’s nice to know that I am still capable of a little release.

On another note, I’m still trying to watch what I eat, and I have a new plan to get my ass moving. I’ll let you know how it goes.

and remember………

So, I’m down a size in jeans!! BUT, I haven’t really lost any significant weight, and after seeing pictures of me from yesterday, I’m more discouraged than ever. My face looks as bloated as my stomach! Boo…

I never dress up on Halloween. Mainly because I can never find anything in my size. My husband and my kids usually coordinate and I stand in the background dressed like a mom. This year, my son begged me to be Black Widow from the Avengers. Really?!?! Scarlett Johannson, probably the most perfect woman on the planet, plays Black Widow. My stomach sank and I had to hold back tears. How do I tell my son no again this year. But how do I compete with this? I’d need some serious liposuction, some boobs, extensions, collagen injections…..!

But why do I need to compete? What inside me makes me feel so inadequate? Of course I could blame society for its views towards women, but I cannot change a cultural ideal. What I can change is my own self-image. I am a good person. I am a super mom and an awesome wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I’m good at my job. I make a difference, and I’m working on my body,and I desperately need to keep reminding myself of that. I do not want my daughter to be raised by a woman who is embarrassed of herself, or who feels “not good enough!” I want her to know that she is perfect, no matter what.  I want her to be strong, and self-assured.

I think I’m finally done hiding in the background.

Happy Halloween!
Miss you Nana Burkey! 10/31/1993

So, about a week ago, I wrote an amazing post.  It was all about throwing myself a huge pity party, how my husband and I work our asses off (I wish literally) and have only an ever-increasing amount of debt to show for it.  I wrote about motivation (wanting to be healthy for my children and husband)  and needing a swift kick in the ass to make me exercise.  It was funny.  I liked my post.  I hit post and this website sent me a little message about an error on their part and something about apologies.  Really?!?!?!  All I saw was “Nice job pouring out your heart in such a witty way. Now fuck you….it’s gone!  So, I took a little break.

I’m back, as is my period 

I should be happy about my angry functioning uterus.  I recently joined a group on Facebook for women with PCOS.  As bad as I think I have it, there are so many women suffering way worse than I am. I have been reading story after story about couples trying to conceive a child for 5, 10, 20 years.  Stories of miscarriages, surgeries, horrible doctors, and non-supportive family. I have been blessed.  I have two amazing, miracle children, an extremely understanding family, and I live so close to the most amazing hospitals/doctors in the world.

Some of the women in this Facebook group have joined together for a 90 day challenge to work on their minds, bodies, and lifestyles.  Since I started this blog for the same reasons, I was eager to join, and learn from and rely on other women dealing with similar issues.  The first task was to create a motivational board.  Here’s mine: (my real board has 1 different picture on it. But, that picture cannot be shared until after Halloween out of respect for my husband’s wish! I’ll switch this board on a later date.)

I am back to tracking my food.  This week my goal is to track some exercise besides chasing middle school children around the hallways, while bobbing, weaving, and ducking from the random objects hurled at my head every day.

                                                                                                                                    Happy October!!!

Have an inspired week!

Of course I’m sick and tired of dealing with all the shit that comes with my PCOS, but I’ve had the mother of all colds since last Saturday. I have on and off fevers, a sore throat, sinus and nasal congestion,and a cough that sounds like I smoke a pack a day. Now, all of you mom’s out there…the constant coughing and sneezing is starting to end with me peeing myself!! (You know what I’m talking about!) I have been looking so rough and pale that my bosses have tried sending me home every day this week. I’m thinking about finishing off the bottle of whiskey in my cabinet and passing out.

I guess it doesn’t help that my work days have been completely nuts lately. Some day I’ll write a book about my work as a behavior specialist in a middle school. I’m sure they’ll try to publish it as fiction because no one would ever believe the craziness that is my job.

Diet is ok, exercise needs improving and all I want to know right now is

Once I finally kick this cold, I’m back to focusing on really improving my health.

This is short and somewhat boring but I’m tired and currently coughing up what’s left of my lungs….and now I need to go change my panties!

Well, I FINALLY lost enough pounds to hit a mini milestone. However, with that said, I’m not too excited, as I’ll most likely gain and lose those 2 pounds for another week or so. I just can’t seem to keep losing.

And…I started jogging this week…on accident! My son has this mini 4-wheeler. That freaking thing goes a lot faster than you’d think. We took it out for a ride. (what in God’s name was I thinking?) In thin Reef flip flops and an even flimsier bra, I was forced to jog along side of him, in fear for his life! Though extremely self-conscious of my chub bouncing along with each step; I also felt slightly invigorated. It made me want to take brisk, nightly walks and perhaps even another lil’ jog. So, if you see me out there, strutting my stuff, please keep this in mind:

(this would be very motivational! Though I may piss myself laughing I’d someone actually did this to me!)

I was on CNN.com or fox news or something and I read that it was national “silent disease” day or something like that. It got me to thinking. So many people are suffering from both physical and mental illnesses that most others cannot see or even fathom for that matter. Before you judge, tease, or stereotype, THINK!

My feet hurt!  I mean they really hurt.  Wearing flip flops all summer and then stupidly putting on a pair of real shoes and busting out a whopping 11,833 steps in the course of 5 hours was just plain dumb.  Knowing that I’d be “running around” a lot more at work this school year, I invested in comfy flats.  Comfy flats that blistered my heels and turned my baby toes into swollen, raw, nubs!

The rest of my body isn’t feeling too hot either.  The “period that never came,” is still wreaking havoc! Yesterday morning, I couldn’t get my rings on.  Throughout both pregnancies, I never had any issues with my rings fitting.  I’m retaining so much fluid- rings are tight, pants won’t button, and I’m just plain old uncomfortable.  I know it’s just bloat, I haven’t gained any weight.  I’m still losing ounces.

Along with the physical implications, I’m an emotional disaster.  Come Thursday when I have to bring my baby boy to kindergarten, I’ll most likely have cried out all the excess water my body’s been hoarding.  Where has the time gone? People say that all of the time, but I never really thought about it.  My son is 5 and is off to full day kindergarten, where he will learn and discover, and make new friends. He’ll gain independence and need me just a little less than he used to. I’m not ready for this, but I know I need to pretend to be! I know he’ll be a little sad and nervous, so I can’t be.  How I’m going to keep my game face on, while I’m a hormonal mess?

As promised, below are the first two of my PCOS facts/awareness posts. Please watch the You tube video!

What are the symptoms of PCOS?

The symptoms of PCOS can vary from woman to woman. Some of the symptoms of PCOS include:

• Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating. In fact, PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility.
• Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods
• Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
• Cysts on the ovaries
• Acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black
• Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• Pelvic pain
• Anxiety or depression
• Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep

Today was my first day back to work. I know I said in an earlier post that I was not going to be so sad.

I lied!

I missed my babies something awful. It was nice to see my colleagues but I’d rather be home playing superheroes, potty training, and swimming.

And of course, my period should have arrived 7 days ago. I was all prepared for it, but it had another plan. A diabolical plan! The bloating started yesterday. So I currently look about 8 months pregnant. The backache started 2 days ago, and as I drove home, the cramps began. Tomorrow, there will be a bunch of students needing direction and support, and I’ll be secretly dying. Tonight, my kids just want me to play but my uterus feels like it may fall out.

This is why I’m convinced that my body hates me.

Since I’m back to work, I figured its a good time to really focus on what I put in my body and how much I actually move my body during the course of the day. So back to diligent tracking and I bought myself a fitbit.

I love it! It’s like a pedometer on steroids. It tracks my steps, my stairs, calories burned, and even my sleep patterns. Did you know that you’re supposed to walk 10,000 steps a day!!??!! I’m working my way up. Oh, and I lost a few ounces this past week. Big freaking deal!

Here’s a little update…1st day of school with students and I’m well over my 10,000 step mark and I walked 5 miles today!!

When I was a lot younger, I never gave much thought to having a sister.  When I got a little bit older, I was somewhat envious until I witnessed my two older cousins go at like Rocky IV and Ivan Drago!

I was happy that I was the only girl, in my immediate family.  I had two older cousins (the boxers) who treated my like their lil’ sis, and I had two younger cousins, that were more like my little sisters. I also have the two bestest friends a girl could ask for.  (They are so completely different and awesome.)

So, it wasn’t until recently that I began to really think about the whole “sister’ thing.  You see, people often ask my husband and I when we’re having another child.  We tell them politely that we’re happy with our family and we won’t be having any  more children.  I really don’t feel like explaining how difficult it is for us to conceive, and how depressed it makes me, and how my deliveries are awful and how depressed I am afterwards. (Maybe I should have business cards made up that detail my disease and how it relates to my fertility on the front, and then when they flip it over it can read,”Happy now? Next time, mind your fucking business!”)   Yet every time I’m asked, I feel this guilty ache in the pit of my stomach.  Wouldn’t it be nice for my son to have a brother, a partner in crime, a best man?  Wouldn’t it be wonderful for my daughter to have a sister, a confidant, a maid of honor?  Then I see the two of them together and realize they have all of those “people,” the gender roles are just a little skewed.

(Please don’t mind the husband’s hairy Spartan leg!)

Growing up, I was the street hockey goalie so my brothers could practice.  I spent more than what would be considered a normal amount of time at hockey rinks. I watched WWF and football games. I wrestled with “my buddy” dolls, and helped to catch frogs.  My brothers were also subjected to being my “students” when we played school, and there may have been an occasional make-up tutorial here and there.

When I’m in full panic mode, I call my brothers.  When I have awesome news, I call my brothers.  When I’m sick, I call my brothers.  When I need someone, I call my brothers.  They always answer.  They always listen.  They always come when I need them.  I of course do the same.  They know all about my PCOS, my exploding ovaries,and  my horrible Satan created periods. I have been there during births of my nieces, moments of uncertainty, break-ups, psycho girlfriend problems, divorce, news of new jobs, dreams being achieved, and new plans being hatched.  I don’t think a sister could offer me anything that my brothers don’t already give me.  Trust me, our relationships haven’t always been perfect, but I love them both and I would be lost without them, and so wouldn’t my kids.

Cherish your family!

P.S. weight stayed the same this week.

A lot has happened this past week, well this past summer.  Most of the “eventful things” have been large and expensive.  As appliances and more continue to break and require more and more money that we just don’t have, so did I. I was breaking.  My 5-year-old son told me, “Ma, you always look sad, even when you laugh.” That’s heartbreaking.  My heart literally felt bruised.  I don’t want to look or feel sad anymore.  So today….I went under!

After cleaning our pool out (our still leaking pool,) I decided that I’d stay in and play for a while, even though I told my darlings that I really didn’t feel like swimming today.  My son jumped in and splashed me and immediately began apologizing for getting my face and hair wet. I casually replied, “it’s no big deal bud, it’s just water.”  Well you would have thought that Santa Claus himself had landed his 8 reindeer-ed sleigh on our back deck.  He looked at me with utter disbelief, shook his head a little, and proceeded to swim to the ladder so he could jump in again.  Feeling a little brave, he then said to me, “Ma it’s too bad you don’t like going underwater.”  Again, my answer stunned him.  “I actually love going under the water.  I used to swim every day.”  Braver still, he whipped his goggles off, tossed them at me, and said, “here use these so your contacts don’t float away.” So I did.  I put the goggles on and explored  around under the water till my little heart was content.  The smile on his face fixed my bruised heart.

With less than 2 weeks vacation time left, this is usually the time of the summer when I cry non-stop, and become totally jealous of all the moms that can afford to stay-at-home.  (I know people always say, well if you make sacrifices, and cut back, then you could stay home too.  Let me tell you, that’s not the case here.  If I didn’t work, we’d be sacrificing our home, we’d be homeless.  So before you ever utter those words to a working mother, think before you open your big, stupid, disillusioned mouth.)  This summer, I’m sad and optimistic.  My son will be starting full-day kindergarten.  He loved school last year, and I’m looking forward to him being able to play and interact  with kids his own age, while learning new things.  My daughter loves her daycare provider and the kids there.  I love that she’s able to play and learn with her friends.  There have been pretty big changes at my work, and though this year is going to be different and challenging, I’m looking forward to new opportunities. I know the kids and  I would much rather be home together, but like I said before, we need my income, and both of my kids love their “schools” and playing with their friends.  So, I’m hoping for way less tears this first day back to school.

Oh, I lost the two pounds that I had gained during my weekend of reckless abandonment. I’m pretty much stuck in a holding pattern (See Cindy Fitzgibbon, I do listen!) I keep losing and gaining the same 8 pounds.  I know that once back to work, the pace of my day will be a lot faster.  I’m thinking of buying a fitbit. (Look it up!    http://www.fitbit.com)

September is PCOS awareness month.  I’ll be posting Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome related facts throughout the month. It’s not one of those fake “this is blah blah blah awareness week/month Facebook posts.” How can one disease/issue have so many different awareness times of the year?  It’s annoying!

September is the official awareness month for PCOS all around the world.

I seem to have fallen off the horse again.  I NEED to get back on it!!

I had an extremely over-indulgent weekend, and this honey badger don’t care! (if you don’t know what that means, look up honey badger don’t care on you tube!)

I did care, I cared a lot.  I cared so much that I started to research weight loss surgery options.  Turns out, I don’t have any options.  My insurance believes that my BMI isn’t high enough to warrant coverage for the surgery.  I guess it’s for the best.  I want to lose my chubba bubba the old fashion way.  I think women who do have weight loss surgery are extremely brave, and after 2 c-sections, I think any more cutting across my abdomen would be very bad and wicked painful.

We went to Kowloon on Friday with my husband’s god-daughter to feast on Saugus wings in honor of her mom. (Tina loved her some Saugus wings!) I planned for this dinner.  I ate nothing.  I sucked down water like there was an impending drought forecasted.  I watched my portions and only sampled things.  Then we went to Zynga’s frozen yogurt.  Holy Shit!!! That place is beyond amazing.  The fresh fruit is soo fresh, and the other toppings are infinite (so it seems anyway.) It is definitely my new favorite place. I was well-behaved there as well.  I only squirted a little yogurt in my cup and added tons of fresh fruit and nuts.

On Saturday, we all went to Canobie Lake with my bro’s family. We had  a lot of fun, minus the thunder, lightning, and off and on downpours.  I had some soft-serve, a bite of fried dough, and some popcorn. Then on Sunday, my brother and the family came up for a swim.  He brought hotdogs, hamburgers, chicken, and snackies.  My brother also cooked all the food he brought.  Oh, I need to let you all know that I tried ( and the important word here is tried) to eat a Thin and Trim chicken hotdog from Market Basket.  Even burnt to hell on the grill, put in a bun and covered with ketchup and mustard, it still tasted like, well it tasted like what I assume chicken shit would taste (Thanks Bill!)     Oh, I neglected to mention that my hubby got up early and prepared a 5 course breakfast!  So, as you can see, my weekend was one food trap after another.  I thought I did pretty good at only “sampling” the bad stuff.  But, my scale sees things differently.

When I confessed to my husband that I cheated and weighed myself on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, he very calmly said to his hysterical wife, “you’re most likely retaining water.”  I shooed him away.  Then I did a little research.  I drank like a fish on Friday.  Then ate sodium laced Chinese food.  I didn’t really drink a lot of water on Saturday or Sunday.  My research informed me that my body was most likely holding onto fluid, and I was probably dehydrated.  IT (the internet) also told me that if I gain more than 1/2 pound in 24 hours, it’s most likely fluid.  So, back to making sure I drink enough water to keep me hydrated and feeling full.

A year ago today, someone I love passed away. Left behind are 4 amazing children, their loving dad,  2 very understanding and supportive  fiances , an adorably rambunctious grandson, a nephew with arms big enough to hug them all and an even bigger heart to love them with, and a ton of family and friends who miss her and still question why? Tina I hope you have found some peace and look down in awe of your family.

Miss you Tina