I have always been open and honest on this blog, in attempts to raise awareness, and hold myself accountable.  My weight has always been something I’d rather not talk about, but I have, and I’m OK with talking about it now.

This blog may be the most difficult one to write.

Last May I posted about losing my hair.  This Thursday, I finally met with the head of Women’s Dermatology/Hair Loss at a world renowned hospital, and………………………………………

she was nice.  I sat in traffic for over two hours.  I met a very friendly valet guy who, pointing to my extremely old foot tattoo, said. “oh, you a gangstaaa, huh?” I took more than one free sample of the new Aveeno face moisturizer with sunscreen.  I was told that I have been doing an amazing job managing my PCOS, and keeping my hormones somewhat balanced.  I got my scalp examined, and my hair pulled.  I left with very few options.  I have started Rogaine for women, and have been agonizing over tons of data on Spironolactone and Propecia, (2 more drugs that I will have to take for the rest of my life, if I choose to go that route.)

I came home and threw myself a little pity party.  I cried.  I have always been known as the redhead. I love my hair.  While still whimpering, I came across a blog article posted by a family member of a 35 year old women, who had written the piece when she was 31 and first diagnosed with breast cancer. She lost her 4 year battle, and here I was crying about my hair. I felt guilty, but I still sat there and cried.  Yet another piece of me is being taken away by a disease that impacts 5-10% of women, yet not too many even know about it.

ROGAINE: I didn’t want to use this! If I ever stop, I will lose whatever hair grew back.  (that’s if it works-there is a 20% success rate.) I was thoroughly warned by the doc, the pamphlet in the box, and the millions of women using it, who also have access to a computer and are not afraid to use it.  There is a “DREAD SHED.” I don’t have enough hair up there to shed, let alone shed dreadfully!! This shedding is supposed to begin 2-4 weeks in and last a few weeks.  I’m 3 days in and it has begun.  I lost my shit today in the shower.  How can this be happening so soon?  My daughter stood in front of the bathroom mirror last night and pretended to massage her own scalp, while watching me apply the R word.  She turned to me and said, “Mama, our hair is so pretty, your’s is orange and mine is bwown (we’re having a little r pronunciation issue.) Then the sadness returned and I immediately began to worry that I passed this bag-full-of-suck disease to her.

PROPECIA: a drug usually never prescribed to  pre-menopausal women due to horrendous birth defects in male fetuses. (No, I am not planning on having any more children, but if anything ever happened, I don’t want to be faced with that decision. )

SPIRONOLACTONE:  many women with PCOS use this drug to treat excess body/facial hair, cystic acne, and hair loss, and I hear it’s effective. This drug (in extremely high doses) is known to grow tumors in rats.  I have made a conscious choice to not use birth control pills to help with my ridiculously painful and heavy periods because of the increased risk of breast cancer.  So, now I’m faced with this decision.   I have read more research articles, blogs, and discussion board posts than anyone ever should. I have cried, prayed, cried, and prayed some more…and I’m still undecided.

Please don’t read this and think that it’s all about vanity.  I’m not a vain person.  I am just trying to hold on to a piece of my femininity, a piece of myself.  I know that people are going to judge me and say, “Your appearance- weight, hair, skin… doesn’t define you.”  And all I can say to them is, ” Until you know my joy, know my pain and know my struggles-
Until you’ve walked these shoes, paid my dues and felt my troubles- Until you’ve shed my tears, known my fears in all my years -Only ’til then, you only know what you think you know.” (Until by The Love Experience)

I am also extremely aware of all of the magnificent blessings I have in my life, and I thank God and the universe every day for them.  This is a tiny hurdle in the greatness of my life, and I will eventually get over it.  Thanks for listening while I try.