Before I had my children, my husband and I struggled with my infertility. He was very supportive and more patient than anyone I have ever met. But each month came and went and with each negative pregnancy test and miscarriage my guilt grew.  I felt guilty that I could not give the man I love a child of his own. I felt guilty that my body was broken and would continuously deny me a baby.  Then miracle 1 and miracle 2 happened.

My body was kind and worked for a time. Then the tiny little follicles/cysts that had taken up residence on my ovaries, became angry. Before children, my cycles were crazy and my periods were hell and painful. After children, the crazy painful hell tripled. I was once again feeling the guilt that accompanied rupturing cysts. Sometimes my pain in unbearable. I cannot sit, I cannot move. I cannot be the mom my kids deserve or the wife my husband needs. Luckily, this doesn’t occur every month and when it does, it only lasts a day or two

Then the RA diagnosis came, and it brought more guilt than I can handle. On good days, I’m a little bit more tired and stiff than I should be. On bad days, I cannot get out of bed. My ankles swell and the pain feels like someone put my joints in a vice and just keeps adding more and more pressure. My body feels like I’m walking through a thick heavy fog. I’m lethargic, sore and some parts of me hurt to touch. It’s on these days that the guilt feels so heavy that it hurts to breathe. My kids look at me and I can see the disappointment in their faces. I cannot take them to the park, play catch, go to Target, attend baseball games, or play in the pool. It hurts to move. I barely make them breakfast and lunch. No laundry gets done. No cleaning, no dishes, no food shopping. I try to keep my interactions with everyone to a minimum because the prednisone makes me mean. I watch my exhausted husband walk in after being out of the house since 5:00AM and see him look to me and try to gauge how bad it is this time. Waves of guilt wash over me and I’m gasping for air again.

I’m not sure how to live with PCOS, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Guilt. I wish their was a pill to take my guilt away.