I went through a somewhat dark time in my life, when I cried…a lot. And the time lasted YEARS. I was not miserable all of the time. However, I cried when I was angry. I cried when I was sad. I cried when I was worried. I even cried when I was happy. I couldn’t help it. I am not really sure when crying became my one and only coping mechanism. Here I was, instructing students diagnosed with emotional/behavioral disorders on how to express themselves appropriately, positively, and effectively, and I was secretly an emotional mess. Sure, we can once again blame PCOS for fucking with my hormone levels, but really….I cannot point all my fingers at that wretched disease. I too was to blame.

Something happened a few months ago. I really cannot figure out what exactly IT was, but something changed. I still worry. I still get angry. I still get sad. My kids try my patience on a minutely basis. My husband still procrastinates like there’s no tomorrow. My job is still ridiculous. I am still in debt and will be for the foreseeable future. My family continues to have their issues. My house continues to fall apart. But I stopped crying. In fact, up until two nights ago, I couldn’t cry. I think I was literally all cried out! Not-so-pleasant things have occurred in the past few months, and no tears, not a one. This past week, I had yet another cyst grow until it ruptured. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sit, I certainly couldn’t physically escort a student, but I did all of those things and not one tear fell from my eyes. Until two nights ago.

We were at Target and my son wanted another Spider-Man watch. We said no..no…..no again……and NO! He would not let up. We arrived at the check-out and he was still trying to reason with us. Then, he went all kinds of crazy. He yelled. He stomped his feet. He crossed his little arms and said, “I’m getting the watch.” I had already taken the watch and left it at the end of another checkout line. I took his hand and proceeded to pull him a little. He dug his heels in and grabbed the end of the conveyor belt thing. I proceeded to try to remove him. He wouldn’t let go. That’s when I lost it. I started laughing at him. His confused little face was so adorable. He said, “Ma, why are you laughing at me?” I turned my back to the 4 people now looking at me in complete disbelief and looked at my husband. I calmly stated, “I’m about to put my own child into a restraint, and carry him out of Target.” My husband finished paying and left me with my daughter, while he went to my son. I carried my daughter to the car and heard her say, “Aww, poor Jake.”

He cried the entire way home. I said horrible things about embarrassing me, and being ungrateful. He calmed down after we got home. I felt like complete shit. We both apologized and hugged. I left and said I was going for a ride. I never left the driveway. I sat and cried. It was the first good cry I had had in a long time. I think I needed it.I don’t think it’s the beginning of me crying a river again, but it’s nice to know that I am still capable of a little release.

On another note, I’m still trying to watch what I eat, and I have a new plan to get my ass moving. I’ll let you know how it goes.

and remember………