Have you ever just felt like, “Fuck it. Just fuck it all!” I found myself sinking in the Swamp of Sadness this past Sunday. Yup there I am, Artax the horse, just giving up!

I do not know what triggered it, but my mind went into overdrive and I started to analyze every aspect of my life. I realized that I’m just not a naturally happy person. Of course, the root of all of this unhappiness is money or lack of money, and my feelings towards my own body. I grew up thinking that worrying was a normal way of life. I truly do not know how to not worry. Every moment of the day, my brain is recycling problems, things that need to be fixed, bills that need to be paid, plans that need to be planned!!! It’s pure hell in that brain of mine.

Years ago at a friend of the family’s wedding, my father looked at me with loving eyes, and very sweetly and sincerely said, “Your mother and I have been talking and we think you should start smoking pot.” Uh, OK, thanks Mom and Dad.

Don’t misunderstand, I am happy some of the time. When I smile, laugh, or giggle, it’s real. It’s just that that bitch stress is always there trying to ruin everything. I’d like to think that if I woke up tomorrow wealthy and skinny, my life would be so much better and all the worrying and stress would be gone. I don’t think that would happen.

A) I’m not related to anyone stinking rich that may kick the bucket and leave me tons of cash, nor do I play the lottery on a regular basis.

B) Unless God himself comes down and gives me a “Clueless Makeover” times 10, the skinny thing ain’t happening overnight.

C) My brain is hard-wired to worry.

So, after some encouraging words from a friend, and a heart-to-heart with my husband, (who reiterated that I am the only one who can make myself happy) I decided it was time to choose to be happy. I also realized that choosing to be happy doesn’t mean that I need to be happy all of the time. It’s OK to worry about our financial future, it’s not OK to agonize over every bill, write and re-write monthly budgets, or cry. It’s OK to get a little irritated by my two children who think it’s Armageddon if I’m not in their line of sight. It’s not OK to go all Mommy Dearest on their cute little asses, or cry. It’s OK to want to better myself, get healthy, and get my MILF on. It’s not OK to loathe my body, allow myself to slip into a massive depression, become so stressed that I’m mean to everyone who crosses my path, or cry. I have a lot to work on! And a lot less crying to do!

On a happier note, 1 more pound gone this week!

Have a stress-free day!